Nothing Like a Girl
by iloveatem
Summary: Jounouchi has never been able to hold down a steady girlfriend. What will he do when he finds out that it was Kaiba pulling the strings behind his relationships all along? KaiJou oneshot


**Nothing Like a Girl**

by: _iloveatem_

* * *

"Listen, sweetheart," Mai reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Jounouchi's. "I like you, I really do. But you're too young for me. You're still just a teenager." 

"Not for much longer," Jounouchi interrupted, his voice on the verge of desperation. Mai sighed.

"Jounouchi, you're a great man. A great friend. But…," she sighed, lightly staring at her cup of green tea. "You deserve better than me, kid. I move around too much. You need a nice girl who can always be there for you, supporting you and all that you want to do," she patted his arm, smiling.

"But...but…what's wrong with me? I didn't change or anything in the last couple of months. I thought you wanted to be with me." A look of genuine confusion adorned his face.

"Sweetie, sweetie, I _was _thinking of starting a relationship with you. But I wasn't thinking clearly then," she leaned back in her chair. "It isn't rational, a relationship between you and me. I'm just lucky I was able to figure that out before either one of us got hurt."

Jounouchi paused, looking incredulously at her. "I don't get it Mai," he ran his shaking fingers through thick, blond hair. "What could have possibly made you change your mind?" Mai gave him a surprised look.

"Well," she replied thoughtfully, looking critically at the ceiling, as if she herself couldn't imagine the truth behind her words. "I ran into Kaiba about a week ago. He made me see sense, really. Kind of surprising, but he's much more leveled headed than myself when it comes to matters of romance. Personally," she smiled softly. "I didn't know he had it in him."

Jounouchi gaped.

---

And Mai just…drove off. Just like that. Jounouchi had watched her car disappear into the distance. It had become a reality.

Jounouchi Katsuya had lost another chance at a girlfriend.

"She said I was too young for her! Can you believe that?!"

"Jounouchi, she has a point. You are only eighteen..."

"Yuugi, come on! It's not just this!"

"Jounouchi's right, Yuugi. He hasn't been able to hold down a steady girlfriend since…well_ ever_, now that I think about it…"

"Exactly! So, I'm not the only one who's noticed this?! Isn't it a bit odd?"

"But Jounouchi…what could it possibly be?"

"Perhaps you are unlovable…"

"Shut it, Honda."

"I'm just saying…you've gone through, what, _twelve _different potentially long-term girlfriends since junior high?"

"Thirteen," Jounouchi muttered. Honda snickered. "But that's not the point! What is it about me that screams 'let's just be friends' !?"

"You could cut your hair--"

"No, Honda, that's not it," Yuugi interrupted. He turned a sympathetic look onto Jounouchi.

Jounouchi's face darkened. "It's all Kaiba's fault."

Yuugi looked startled. "Jounouchi, I understand you don't like Kaiba-kun, but you can't honestly get away with blaming him for something like this!"

"No, Yuugi. Mai said that what made her change her mind was talking to Kaiba."

Honda and Yuugi stared at him.

"…Seriously?" Honda breathed. Jounouchi nodded. "Why the hell would Kaiba give half a damn if you're with Mai or not?"

Jounouchi shrugged nonchalantly, but his eyes spoke of anger. "He just wants me to be miserable for the rest of my life. He's such a sadistic bastard!" He voice was raised. "Fuck him! He had no right to go and say whatever he did! I'll kick his ass!" The heat of the moment, as well as the pain of rejection, seemed to be catching up to Jounouchi. He suddenly found himself on his feet in the middle of the small game shop.

"Don't do anything rash, Jounouchi…" That was Yuugi, sounding nervous.

But 'rash' was exactly what Jounouchi Katsuya had in mind.

---

"Seto-sama, I'm very sorry for interrupting sir, but there seems to be a young--" Kaiba's intercom was interrupted when the single, wood door of his office burst inward, bouncing gracelessly off the wall and vibrating slightly when it stopped. A rather intimidating blond teenager filled the doorway, metaphorical steam issuing from his ears.

Kaiba frowned.

"You bastard! I know what you're trying to do!" Jounouchi yelled, pointing an accusing finger at him. He was slightly keeled over, panting from what Kaiba could only surmise as a long period of rigorous exercise. Kaiba wondered if the blond really was stupid enough to take the stairs. As angry as he seemed to be (for reasons Kaiba could probably guess), could it be possible that he completely bypassed the elevator doors in a foolish belief that he'd make it up the 52 flights faster if he ran, so that he was therefore able to unleash his fury on its 'victim' all the more faster?

But see Kaiba, as the analytical (if slightly unhinged) man that he was, realized that, without meaning to, Jounouchi had put himself at a great disadvantage. Kaiba had been sitting in his expensive, and extremely comfortable black leather chair all day long, exercising his mind and fingers with mundane reports, but not his already well-sculpted legs. He was fresh, rested, and completely prepared for a fight.

Poor Jounouchi, in his thoughtless rage, had made himself completely vulnerable.

And Kaiba saw this in the half a second it took Jounouchi to fully enter the room and slam the door shut. And he was almost sorry that the blond wasn't as prepared for battle as he was. He would have liked half a challenge.

But, being as it was 'almost', he wasn't really sorry.

"Kaiba, you _asshole_, what are you doing talking to Mai? You don't even _like _Mai!" Jounouchi was advancing on Kaiba's desk now, as if he intended to give it a good kicking.

Kaiba's chair gave a satisfied squeak as he leaned back into it, propping his elbows on the armrests and intertwining his fingers before his chest in an apathetic kind of way. "And what makes you an expert on my likes and dislikes, Bonkotsu?"

Jounouchi growled, leaning his fists on the desk's shiny surface. "That's not that _point_! What are _you_ doing getting involved in my business?" Up close, Kaiba could see that he was visibly fuming, even more so than when he was standing at the door not twenty seconds ago. It made Kaiba glad, somehow.

"And what business of yours would I have any interest in getting involved in?" Kaiba's voice seemed uncaring, but not even Jounouchi could miss the layer of ice that coated the tone, nor the slight narrowing of those dark blue eyes.

"Exactly. Why would you want to have any effect at all on my love life, eh Kaiba?" The words were ground out through clenched teeth. Kaiba smiled inwardly. _Now_ they were getting somewhere.

Kaiba paused for dramatic effect. He was always a fan of drama.

"Your…love life, Bonkotsu?" his tone was more condescending than shocked.

"Don't be stupid, Kaiba. I've talked with Mai," he spat out. Stupid, huh? Kaiba thought. _There _was something he'd never been called before. Well, at least he isn't yelling anymore.

"Congratulations. I'm glad you're still capable of human speech, even with the opposite sex."

"Stop avoiding the subject!" Jounouchi was yelling again. Aw well. "I know you talked to Mai, she _told _me. I know you said whatever it was that you said that made her think I was completely incapable of being a good boyfriend."

Kaiba cocked an eyebrow, but otherwise gave no outward sign of reaction.

"Now, I don't know what you said, or _how_ you would know _anything_ about my boyfriend-ing skills in the first place, and, quite frankly, I don't care. What I want to know is what makes you think you have the right to butt into the personal aspects of my life at all!" Jounouchi was panting even harder now than when he had first entered the eloquent office.

Kaiba took a few seconds to decide on the important question: should he tell the truth? Was now the time? He'd been working on this brilliant (if rather indirect) plan since the blond and himself had been in junior high. It would have been running a solid four, almost five years. Was he prepared to spill it all to the very subject of his plan, right now, when he could so easily evade the truth until the blond was so agitated he ended up storming out of the office, as far from the real reason behind his annoyance as he had been four years ago, at the beginning of it all? Was Jounouchi, or, more importantly, Kaiba ready to face this strung out series of events that really could only lead to one solution, but that Jounouchi could never hope to uncover on his own regardless?

Of course they were. Well, Kaiba was at least. Jounouchi didn't have to be ready. Kaiba really didn't care. He was in control anyway. Jounouchi was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Kaiba had so many upper hands, it wasn't even funny. Now was the time.

And so he stood up from his chair, so swiftly that Jounouchi took a step backwards, releasing his grip on the desk.

"You want to know what gives me the right?" Kaiba asked darkly, looking much too willing to answer than Jounouchi felt comfortable with. He began walking around the desk, and with every step Kaiba took, Jounouchi took one back.

It had not occurred to Jounouchi that Kaiba might respond with violence. He had been too blinded by his rage to think this through, admittedly, but Kaiba was not one to lash out against people who he did not believe to be an immediate threat to him, and Jounouchi was all too aware that Kaiba would never consider him a threat. Therefore, Jounouchi had not considered that maybe Kaiba would be the one to hurt him, and not the other way around. It had made no logical sense that Kaiba would be the one controlling the situation, and really, Jounouchi should have thought of this. Kaiba always controlled the situation, didn't he? Jounouchi was the one wronged here, not Kaiba. Yet why was it that he was the one backing up while Kaiba was the one advancing threateningly on him?

He was all too aware of Kaiba's physical strength. He used to believe that Kaiba was only skilled in turning his opponent's strength against him but, through the years, Jounouchi had learned that he was just as brilliant with the offensive as the defensive. Jounouchi was not one to turn down a fight, but he was prone to biting off more than he could chew. Somehow, in the back of his mind, he realized that that was exactly what had just happened.

But he kept a defiant face on. He remained angry, because he still was. This thought process was happening in the back of his mind, and in the part that controlled his legs. That would explain why he was backing up. Obviously, he would never do such a thing consciously. He would never submit to the likes of Kaiba willingly.

"You want to know," Kaiba continued, "why I even lower myself to petty disruptions in your personal life, is that it?" He didn't look angry anymore. Jounouchi would have said he look predatory, like he was hunting Jounouchi down for the fun of it, not for the challenge or satisfaction. Jounouchi didn't reply. He had learned as a small child not to respond to the threats of wild animal, lest he accidentally give away some unforeseen weakness.

But that didn't matter much now, as he could suddenly feel the cold surface of the wood door to his back, and Kaiba was bearing down on him, looking amused. Jounouchi glared, and did his best not to flinch when he felt the door vibrate as Kaiba slammed a hand to either side of his head, trapping him.

"You've never been able to hold a steady girlfriend, Bonkotsu." Jounouchi's eyes widened. "How many failed attempts has it been? Eleven? Twelve?"

"Thir…thirteen," Jounouchi whispered out, not even trying to mask his confusion anymore. "But how do you---"

"How do I know?" Kaiba said staring with naked mirth at his prey. "You remember Leiko?"

"From the eighth grade?" Jounouchi breathed. Kaiba smirked.

"She liked you. You liked her too, if I remember right. I believe she was somehow convinced that you were gay, though," Kaiba said it so nonchalantly, but his eyes were bordering giddiness at Jounouchi's shocked face.

"And after her was Kyoko. She ended up moving away because her father was transferred to Okiyama, correct." It wasn't a question. Kaiba knew. Jounouchi gaped like a fish.

"Tsuki in ninth grade. She was more difficult to deal with. She---"

"Graduated early…" Jounouchi whispered the words, still not quite believing what he was hearing. Kaiba's smirk grew.

"That's right. Haya, Nori, Rumiko, Rini, and that one that sang in the choir; they were the easiest. They just fell in love with me."

"And Suma?" Jounouchi asked, no longer looking at Kaiba but favoring his collar instead.

"She was never interested in you anyway. She was just trying to make her previous boyfriend jealous," the pleasure in Kaiba's voice was tangible, but Jounouchi found he didn't care much about that.

"Machi…"

"Transferred to another school because of 'undisciplined' behavior, I believe."

"Tori?"

"She had already decided that, since she was graduating soon, a long distance relationship wouldn't work. She only needed a little convincing."

"Yuriko…"

"She found out that you were an ex-gang member and was disgusted."

Jounouchi looked up now into Kaiba's eyes, angry tears threatening to spill over the rim. "And Mai! What did you do to make my relationship with _her_ impossible!?"

Kaiba wasn't surprised by this reaction, this shocked bit of desperation. He had planned on Jounouchi breaking down after he told him that it was because of himself that Jounouchi had never been able to have a successful relationship.

"She's twenty three, Bonkotsu. You're eighteen. It was bound to fail regardless of my interference. I merely saved you wasted time."

There was a minute of explosive silence. Jounouchi tried so hard to hold it all in. But he couldn't.

"Why are you doing this?! You really hate me that much?!" he was screaming now, tears making their way down his face as he stared with open vulnerability at Kaiba. Jounouchi didn't know what he felt more: rage or helpless confusion. It had been Kaiba all along, working behind the scenes and sabotaging every relationship he had ever put any hope in.

He just didn't understand though. Why? Why would Kaiba do this? He had known that Kaiba hated him. He knew this well. He just never though Kaiba hated him so much that he would put active effort into making his life miserable, his self-esteem dangerously low. Was any human really that cruel to another? Could a single man really despise someone enough to do that? The level of animosity that called for was almost unimaginable. Is that how Kaiba really felt? It must have been true, and this gave Jounouchi an incredible feeling of grief.

"I've never…_never _done anything to you to deserve…_this_! What could I have possibly done to make you hate me this much!?" Jounouchi sank down, the reality of it all finally hitting him. He slid down the door, bent knees and palms rammed into his eyes before Kaiba's long legs.

For years, Kaiba had toyed with his emotions. But he had always though it was up front, those pathetic little squabbled they had. He had always thought that Kaiba stuck with the two emotions that he knew well in Jounouchi: anger and resentment. He had never, would never, have thought that it was Kaiba messing with his love and happiness as well. What motivation did Kaiba have to perform these horrible acts, acts that would inevitably break Jounouchi's heart over and over? Why…

Kaiba knelt down in front of him. He knew that admitting to being the culprit behind all of Jounouchi's failed relationships would evoke one of two reactions: absolute fury or anguished misunderstanding. He had truly hoped for the former, as he knew how to deal with that better. But he had received the latter, and he would have to make do if he was to get what he had been working for all these years.

"Bonkotsu, you don't understand," Kaiba started.

"No, I understand perfectly now, and for the first time," he said bitterly behind his hands. Kaiba sighed. He was not an incredibly patient man, but he knew he would have to be if he was to deal with this correctly.

"Listen to me…Jounouchi." The use of his real name made Jounouchi halt his shiver-like movements in surprise. Kaiba took advantage of his pause. "It was so easy to get rid of all of them. Not a single one even _fought_ for you. That was exactly the reason why none of them were worth it. You would have fallen so much deeper than you did with each and every one of them, just because that's the kind of person you are. But they wouldn't have cared, and you would have been so much more devastated in the end," Kaiba's tone was deathly serious now, but not sympathetic. Jounouchi didn't think he would have been able to handle it if he had been.

He laughed humorlessly. "Oh, so this entire time, you've been breaking up my relationships as a _favor _to me?" he snorted.

"No, it was entirely a favor to myself. That just happened to be one of _your _benefits. But it was by no means the reason I did it."

Jounouchi looked up to glare at Kaiba, only just noticing that the man was kneeling before him, at eye level, not a foot and a half away. "So this is just one of your sadistically cruel outlets, so you don't commit a homicide or something? Or is it just something to entertain yourself when you get bored? 'Oh, well, I haven't got any reports to do today. Let's see how badly I can fuck the dog up!'" He wasn't crying anymore. He could feel the heated anger physically making its way through his veins.

Kaiba was glaring at him, almost annoyed. Would he had to spell it out for the dumb blond?

"No, you idiot, that's not the reason either," he said darkly, feeling the patience he had promised himself he wouldn't lose ebbing away.

"Why don't you go fuck yourself?" Jounouchi stood up angrily, glaring so heatedly at the brunet it was a wonder how holes weren't being burned into his skull. "I don't give a shit if you did it because you were told a gunpoint or if it's how you got off . I don't care about it, and I don't care about _you_." He turned around, reaching for the doorknob only to find Kaiba's hand already on it, turning the locking mechanism with a soft "click".

He stared furiously at the hand now gripping tightly to the knob to keep him from unlocking it and letting himself out.

"Open the fucking door Kaiba. I'm not in the mood for anymore of your sick games," he growled, not turning around to face the perpetrator at his back.

"This is hardly a game anymore, Bonkotsu," he answered, his voice as smooth and as dark as Jounouchi had ever heard it. "You want to know _why_ I did what I did?"

"I already told you!" Jounouchi said, whipping around. "I don't care about---!"

Jounouchi was interrupted when Kaiba's lips closed around his. He was slammed into the door again, Kaiba's hands coming up and holding his shoulders in place roughly.

Jounouchi's eyes opened wide. He was standing against the door of Kaiba's office, being kissed rather violently by that very Kaiba. Kaiba himself seemed more annoyed about that whole thing than really passionate; although his eyes were closed, they appeared to be so in an antagonized manner.

Almost as if he was daring Jounouchi to defy him, he forced his way into the blond's mouth, taking full opportunity to deepen the kiss to its full ability.

It was then that Jounouchi let go of his shock and closed his eyes so that his senses of taste and touch were not dulled by his sense of sight. With a blank mind, he dove right in, wrapping his arms around Kaiba's neck and fisting his hair with an animalistic need to get closer. He tilted his head, like Kaiba had, to get the best possible position.

Kaiba reacted immediately to Jounouchi's almost violent vigor, grabbing the blonde by the waist and pulling him lush and hard against his body. Jounouchi, not one to miss an opportunity, found his own way into the brunet's mouth with an arrogant show of equal dominance that Kaiba did not allow for too long.

Gripping Jounouchi by the back of the head with one hand, he dipped him down slightly, showing with absolute obviousness that he was _not _the dominant one here, that it was _Kaiba_ doing the ravishing, not Jounouchi, and that he was just along for the ride. And, somehow, Jounouchi didn't seem to mind.

The make out session (full of more than its fair share of twists, turns, and groping fingertips) lasted for a good 45 seconds before Kaiba broke away with the almost embarrassing noise of a suction cup being pulled wetly from a pane of glass. He was panting, not from the lack of air (they _did_ have noses, after all) but from the sheer physical strain (and, more significantly, _re_straint) of it all. Jounouchi, still leaning into Kaiba's slanted embrace, was in worse shape. He was red in the face and his lips looked positively abused. His eyes were as clear and alert as if he had been splashed with cold water. Kaiba wasn't surprised by the blond's appearance. That _was_ a pretty intense first kiss, after all. Jounouchi was used to kissing girls, who kissed timidly, with soft caution and polite hesitation.

Needless to say, Kaiba kissed **nothing **like a girl.

Jounouchi seemed to have gathered some of his wits about him after Kaiba's thoughtful self-discussion. Although, obviously, not all of them, as he was still unabashedly being supported only by Kaiba's arms.

"You…" he stuttered. "You…"

"So now you should be able to fully understand the motive behind my actions, Bonkotsu. I do not hate you," Kaiba said steadily and with conviction, twirling a lock of Jounouchi's hair around a finger of the hand that still firmly grasped the blond head as if to annunciate his point.

"You…you…" Jounouchi continued to breathe out. "You…you possessive _bastard_!!" And suddenly he was on his feet, untangled from Kaiba's arms and glaring with a vengeance. "Why didn't you just ask me out on a date like any normal person?! No, you had to sneak around behind my back and quietly force me to be single until you pulled your head out of your ass far enough to actually tell me what was going on!"

Kaiba's bottom eyelid twitched. "Well, you know _now_, don't you?" he said, annoyed.

"Oh yea, I know _now_! Never mind the emotional trauma I've experience for the last five years! Never mind the extreme self-esteem issues I've developed! 'Oh, why don't girls like me?' 'What could possibly be wrong with me?' 'Oh, am I so unlovable?' No! It's just Seto Kaiba and all his fucked up glory!" Jounouchi yelled.

"I told you already," Kaiba's voice was raising for the first time since Jounouchi had entered his office, "they weren't _worth_ it! They saw you as nothing!"

"God forbid I'm allowed to find that out on my own! God forbid I'm allowed to fall in love with you on my _own_!"

"I didn't want you to get hurt!" Kaiba was yelling now as well.

"No, _you're _the one that didn't want to get hurt! You're so damn possessive and jealous that you couldn't stand me being with another person!"

"And you're going to hold that against me!?" Kaiba spat angrily.

"No!" Jounouchi closed his eyes now, shaking his head. Kaiba paused, surprised. "No, I'm not going to hold it against you," his voice was calmer now, and he wasn't looking at Kaiba anymore. "I don't know why I'm not; god knows you deserve all my hatred for this. I just…I just wish that…" Jounouchi was looking remorsefully at Kaiba's desk, but the brunet could tell that he wasn't really seeing it.

"What, Jounouchi?" The use of his name, for the second time that day, seemed to pull him out of his trance. He faced Kaiba again, looking him in the eyes.

"I wish that you would have done this normally so I could feel less self-loathing about falling in love with you," he said honestly, shrugging a shoulder.

Kaiba cocked an eyebrow critically, letting the words sink in. Jounouchi turned away, looking embarrassed but hard pressed to show it. Instead, he came off as annoyed at the rug.

_Less self-loathing about falling in love with me…,_Kaiba thought to himself. And then he understood. The triumphant smirk that stretched across his face was unmatched by any he had given before.

Jounouchi gave a small gasp of surprised as he was pulled back into Kaiba's chest and arms wrapped around him. He had been much too concentrated on burning two holes in the rug.

"Bonkotsu," said a deep voice right beside Jounouchi's ear. "What's a good relationship without a _little _self-loathing?"

Jounouchi scowled. "I wouldn't know. I've never been in a good relationship," he growled.

Kaiba chuckled. "Want to try it?"

Jounouchi turned around in Kaiba's arms, looking objectively at him. "That's the closest to a normal courting I'm ever going to get from you, isn't it?"

Kaiba didn't answer.

Jounouchi sighed. "Yea, sure," he muttered, before closing the gap between them.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

A/N

Bonkotsu: insulting nickname that Kaiba calls Jounouchi (literally means 'mediocre').

What the hell is this? Another oneshot? Am I kidding me? Seriously? Don't I have homework or something? A life, you ask. What life?

Remember those hundreds of oneshots I have sitting, molting, unfinished in my hard drive? Yea. This is one of them. Why don't I update one of the fanfics that need updating (I'm working on it!)? Why don't I study for my history midterm?

Because. KaiJou is JUST that good.

Btw, yes, I totally stole my oc from Distance as one of the girls. I like Tsuki. And I couldn't very well use Kuno. O.o

Hey. Please review.


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